College  Student 


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OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 

OF  CALIFORNIA 

LOS  ANGELES 


THE   RUBAIYAT  OF  A 
COLLEGE  STUDENT 


The  RUBAIYAT  of 

A   COLLEGE    STUDENT 


BY 

NED    NAFE 


BROADWAY    PUBLISHING    CO. 

835  Broadway,  New  York 


Copyright,  1911, 

BY 

W.   V.    REMINGTON 

and  A.    E.  NAFE 


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C.PIC^TJCP 


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THE    RUBAIYAT  OF  A 
COLLEGE  STUDENT 


i. 

Wake ! !  for  the  Son,  with  all  his  Blaring  Flash 
Has  just  arrived  with  much  of  Papa's  cash, 
He  drills  about  the  Streets,  for  first,  you  know 
The  Son  must  hunt  him  up  a  Place  to  Hash. 

II. 

He  finds  the  Boarding  house  serves  Beans  and 

Pork, 
Then  Pork  and  Beans,  a  change  from  Beans 

and  Pork. 

On  Sundays,  Steak  so  tough  he  tries  in  vain 
To  Pierce  the  Gravy  with  a  barbed  Fork. 

III. 

Myself  when  young  did  eagerly  frequent 
Doctor  and  Prof,  and  heard  great  argument, 
Of  Ibsen  and  of  Kant,  but  nevermore 

I  keep  up  the  pace  that  then  I  went, 


Cbe  Hu&aipat  of 


IV. 

With  them  the  Seed  of  Wisdom  did  I  sow, 
And  daily  watered  it  to  make  it  grow, 
And  this  is  all  the  harvest  that  I  reaped, 
I  came  a  Freshie  and  a  B.  A.  go. 

V 

Look  to  the  Tinhorn  Sport  about  us — "Lo 
Gayly",  he  says,  "down  to  the  Town  I  go, 
At  once  the  silken  tassel  of  my  Purse 
Tear,  and  its  Treasures  to  the  Pool-shacks 
throw." 

VI. 

Think,  in  this  battered  Caravanserai, 
Whose  portals  are  alternate  Plug  and  Play, 
How  Doctor  or  Professor  with  his  Pomp 
Holds  forth  his  destined  hour  and  has  his  say. 

VII. 

The  Junior  Prom  you  say  costs  many  a  Bone, 
It's  worth  the  saving  when  you  see  her  home, 
You  take  a  cab  and  round  the  corner  drive — 
At  times  like  that  who  wants  a  Chaperone? 


8 


a   College   Student 


VIII. 

A  Soaking  Towel  upon  a  fevered  Brow, 
An  Ovid  text,  a  Pony  true,  and  Thou 
Beside  me  plugging  for  the  next  Exam, 
Oh,  College-life,  in  spots,  is  hell  enow! 

IX. 

Cigars  for  those  who  are  not  always  broke, 
And  then  the  Pipe  until  it  starts  to  choke, 
And  after  that  you  bum  the  Makings — Oh, 
Would  they'd  invent  a  stogie  that  would  smoke. 

X. 

Strange,  is  it  not?  that  of  the  many  who, 
Before  us  went  to  Three-ball  Ike,  the  Jew, 
Not  one  returns  to  get  his  Watch  from  soak, 
One  to  recover,  we  must  dig  up  Two. 

XL 

The  Flunk  no  answer  has  of  Ayes  and  Noes, 
But  through  or  Cond,  as  marks  the  Prof,  he 

goes; 

The  Prof  who  shoots  the  questions  all  about 
He  knows  about  it  all — or  thinks  he  knows. 


9 


C&e  Uu&afgat  of 


XII. 

I  know  that  any  Prof  can  set  a  snare, 

In  any  Quiz  can  get  me  in  the  Air ; 

And  yet  I  know  that  many  Sharks  and  Grinds 

Can  not,  perchance,  be  taken  unaware. 

XIII. 

Indeed  the  Co-eds  that  I  loved  so  long 
Have  done  my  Credits  in  the  School  much 

wrong ; 

Perhaps  I  went  upon  a  Glee-club  trip 
And  lost  my  Reputation  with  a  Song. 

XIV. 

Ah,  make  the  most  of  what  we  yet  may  Spend, 
Before  this  check,  like  others,  has  an  end; 
Cash  follows  Cash,  and  when  'tis  gone  we  lie, 
Sans  Duds,  sans  Suds,  sand  Makings  and  sans 
Friend. 

XV. 

Some  for  the  Favor  of  the  Prof,  and  some, 
Sigh  for  the  shining  honor-key  to  come, 
Ah,  keep  your  Cash  and  make  your  Credit  go 
'Twill  take  them  both  to  make  your  Rival  glum. 


10 


a    College   &tu&ent 


XVI. 

The  Monthly  Check  we  set  our  hearts  upon 
May  fail  us,  or  it  gets  here,  and  anon 
Like  Snow  upon  the  Desert's  dusty  face, 
Squaring  a  little  Bill  or  two,  is  gone. 

XVII. 
For  those  who  settled  quick  each  Bill  that 

came, 
And  those  who  dodged  the  Dun  to  beat  his 

Game; 

Alike  from  no  such  o'er  full  Purse  are  paid 
As  settled  once,  we  want  dug  up  again. 

XVIII. 

Now  the  new  Fall  reviving  old  Desires, 
The  Full-back  to  the  dressing-shack  retires, 
He  hopes  to  win  the  Game  upon  the  Field, 
The   while  his   Sweetheart   from   the  Stand 
admires. 

XIX. 

Up  from  the  Scrub-team  to  the  Varsity 
I  rose,  and  often  hoped  their  Chief  to  be, 
And  many  a  Player  tackled  by  the  Road 
And  still  the  Profs  persist  in  Flunking  me. 


II 


Cfce  Ru  baipat  of 

XX. 

First  came  the  Play  through  which  I  could  not 

see, 

Then  came  the  Game  in  which  I  could  not  be, 
Some  little  talk  awhile  of  Me,  by  Me 
There  was — and  then  no  more  was  talk  of  Me. 

XXI. 

And  when  the  Referee  has  cast  the  Die, 
Though  he  be  in  the  Wrong  and  though  he 

Lie, 

Lift  not  your  voice  in  Curses; — if  you  do 
He'll  fine  you  fifteen  yards  nor  tell  you  why. 

XXII. 

And  this  uncertain  Pennant  which  we  win, 
And  which  in  Prexy's  office  may  be  seen, 
Ah,  hold  the  Foemen  nobly,  lest  it  fade 
The  while  some  strange,  gruff  sport  procures 
your  Tin. 

XXIII. 

And  those  who  now  play  Football  in  the  Field, 
Where  pigskin  Warriors  have  been  forced  to 

yield, 
Who  knows  when  they'll  be  carried  to  the 

Shack, 
Their  Reputations  and  their  Noses  peeled. 

12 


a    College   %tuDent 

XXIV. 

I  sometimes  think  there  never  ran  so  red, 
The  Nose,  as  where  the  Beaten  Tigers  bled, 
And  every  Touchdown  that  we  gloat  upon, 
Won  by  the  Smash  of  some  unlucky  Head. 

XXV. 

What! — if  the  Man  can  thrust  the  End  aside, 
And  by  a  Touchdown,  turn  the  battle  tide, 
Were't  not  a  Shame,  because  his  grades  are 

low, 
Upon  the  Sidelines  force  him  to  abide. 

XXVI. 

This  Season  win  the  Pennant  as  of  Old, 
Wait  not  until  next  Season  round  has  rolled, 
Next  Season  ? — Why,  next  Season  we  may  be 
Ourselves  kicked  out  again  into  the  Cold. 

XXVII. 
Then  said  the  Captain:     "Ne'er  a  Soph'more 

boy 
Should  pinch  the  Stein  from  which  he  drank 

with  joy, 

Pour  Sloe  Jin-rickies  down  his  Desert  Throat, 
Nor  use  the  Sportive  High-ball  for  a  Toy." 


Cfce  Hubaipat  of 


XXVIII. 

Indeed! — Indeed! — Repentance  oft  before 
I  swore,  But  was  I  sober  when  I  swore? 
And  then  the  Varsity  would  win,  and  well 
Methought  I'd  hit  the  Pace  just  one  time  more. 

XXIX. 

Alike  for  those  who  for  the  Stage  prepare 
And  those  who  after  some  fair  Co-ed  stare ; 
For  Prexy  from  his  office  often  cries : — 
"Come  off  the  Turf  and  to  your  Books  repair." 

XXX. 

The  Dean  of  Women  is  an  Aged  Miss, 

Who  scoffs  at  Love  and  scorns  the  famed 

Soul-kiss ; — 

She  guards  the  Co-ed  from  the  Horrid  Man 
And  draws  her   Monthly   Check   for  vetoed 

Bliss. 

XXXI. 

Would  you  long  Seance  with  the  Text-book 

spend, 

In  useless  Cramming,  hope  you  pass  it,  friend ; 
A   Hair   they    say   divides   the   Passed   and 

Flunked, 
And  yet  on  these,  Profs  say,  Degrees  depend. 

14 


a   College   %>tu&ent 

XXXII. 
A   Hair   they   say   divides   the    Passed   and 

Flunked, 

Yes,  and  a  single  Pony  were  the  Clew, 
Could  we  but  find  it,  to  the  Treasured  A, 
And  peradventure,  to  the  B.  A.  too. 

XXXIII. 

Perplext  much  more  with  Human  than  Divine, 
To-morrow's  Classes  to  the  Sharks  resign, 
And  lose  your  Fingers  in  the  Tresses  of 
The  Girl  who  loves  you   for  your  Father's 

Mine. 
—  XXXIV. 


Then  for  the  College  Widow  I  did  yearn, 
And  asked : — the  Secret  of  my  Fate  to  learn 
And  Lip  to  Lip  she  murmured :   "While  you're 

here 
Love — for  once  gone  you  never  can  return." 

XXXV. 

And  fear  not  lest  the  Widow  closing  Your 
Account  and  Mine,  should  know  the  like  no 

more; 
Freshmen  have  rushed  her  twenty  years,  my 

Son, 
With  Rouge  and  Paint,  she'll  last  another 

Score. 


Cbe  Hull  aip at  of 


XXXVI. 

When  you  and  I  our  final  X  have  passed 
She'll  weep  as  though  she  loved  us  best  and 

last, 
But   through   her   Tears   she'll   spot   another 

Fresh 
Whose  Coin  will  keep  things  humming  while 

it  lasts. 

XXXVII. 

The  Widow,  flirting  with  all  College  Swains, 
E'en  with  your  Rival's  bound  to  bring  you 

Pains, 
Her   Freshies   come    from   Farms   and   City 

Flats, 
They  Grad  and  Prosper  all,  but  She  remains. 

XXXVIII. 

Each  morn  its  host  of  Quizzes  brings,  you  say, 
Yes,  but  who  passed  the  X  of  Yesterday; 
And  every  night  you  with  the  Widow  Waltz 
Will  take  its  Credits  from  your  Grade  away. 

XXXIX. 

'Tis  but  a  Tent,  where  takes  his  one  day  rest, 
The  Student  to  the  B.  A.  realm  addrest; 
The  Senior  passes,  but  with  vain  regret, 
'Ere  this  the  Widow's  spotted  her  next  Guest. 

16 


a    College    §>tit  Dent 


XL. 
What    though    the    Trimmings    of    a    Swell 

Toilet, 

May  leave  a  Rosy  scent  or  Violet ; 
Peroxide  now  can  make  full  many  a  Blonde, 
Whose  reputation  still  remains  Brunette. 

XLI. 

Perhaps  the  use  of  Mantling  Rouge  and  Lace, 
May  give  to  her  a  Charm  and  Airy  Grace, 
Puts  a  Black  Plaster  on  her  Dimpled  Chin 
And  draws  a  Chamois  Skin  across  her  Face. 

XLII. 

I  think  the  Widow  that  with  fugitive 

Articulation  answered,  fast  did  live 

And  Flirt— but  ah — the  Ruby  Lips  that  then  I 

pressed 
What  other  kisses  does  she  Take  and  Give. 

XLIII. 

And  if  the  Girl  you  fuss,  whose  lips  you  press, 
At  last  shall  nail  you  with  the  Mystic  Yes ; 
Think  then  Cabs  cost  To-day,  what  Yesterday 
They  cost — To-morrow  they  will  not  be  less. 


C  i)c  Hu  I)  aipa  t   of 

XLIV. 
And  when  the  Reverend  Man  who  welds  the 

Link 

At  last  shall  find  you  at  the  Altar's  brink, 
And  though  you  know  Cigar-box  Flats  come 

high, 
And  though  you  know  his  Price,  you  shall  not 

shrink. 

XLV. 

Would  that  some  kind  Assistant,  'ere  too  late 

Arrest  the  yet  unfolded  Roll  of  Fate ; 

And  get  so  busy  with  a  Pen-knife  that 

He  might  yet  change  my  Grading  and  my  Rate. 

XLVI. 

Ah  Love,  could  you  and  I  with  Fate  conspire 
To  fix  this  sorry  Scheme  of  Things  entire ; 
Would  we  not  take  the  place  of  Profs  and  then 
Give  each  the  B.  A.  of  his  heart's  desire. 

XLVII. 

Yon  rising  Moon  that  looks  for  us  in  Vain, 
How  oft  hereafter  will  she  Wax  and  Wane ; 
How  oft  hereafter,  rising,  will  she  find 
New  Lovers  on  the  back  steps  of  the  Main. 


18 


a   College    §tu&ent 
XLVIII. 

And  when  Commencement  Day  Prex  shall  us 

pass 
The  last  time  read  his  sign: — "Keep  off  the 

Grass" 

He  will  at  last  to  me  a  Sheep-skin  give 
And  I  will  say  Goodbye  unto  my  Class. 

NED  NAFE. 


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